HAWAII – A statement from the International Cartographer’s Society, released today in Honolulu, suggests that on top of Global Climate Change, upcoming elections, deadly pandemics, and foreigners engaging in civil wars, future generations will have to deal with another problem caused by their forefathers.

They’re calling it ‘Global Stretching’: The slow, but significant geological process which is turning our spherical Earth into “more of an oblong shape. Kind of like a teardrop or Sir Patrick Stewart’s head” said Rodney Holland, a geological cartographer from the United States Geological Survey. He and his colleagues blame the rampant obesity in the western hemisphere for the “awful stress being placed on Earth’s crust.”

“If we, as a species, do not move quickly to stop this dangerous new planetary trend, we are going to be the most ridiculous looking planet in the solar system,” he said.