The personality tests, called “My Strength” reportedly are a sham and give the same personality type regardless of the answers filled in; hundreds of jobseekers were told their “Thetan levels were low” and that they should “worship Xenu”, a dead alien god who lives in a volcano.

“Ia! Ia! Cthulu F’yagin!”

Iain Duncan Smith defended the tests in Parliament today:

“No-one has been forced into taking these tests, but it is a major concern that thousands of people may be failing to get jobs because their Chakras are mis-aligned.”

“We are taking steps; we’ve diverted nearly £25 million from the social housing benefit into rebranding Jobcentres as temples to dead aliens. Britain’s karmic deficit will be restored by 2014″

“A new era of charity work”

“It’s brilliant” William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, told Parliament today. “We can slash the charity budget and funnel everything into weapons systems in one. We’ll just re-name everything; aircraft carriers can be ‘doctors’ and F22 jets ‘medicinal supplies’. We should have done this years ago. We can tell countries we’ll give them ‘foreign aid’ and then just send the army in to plunder their natural resources.”

“We’re taking Britain back to our oldest, greatest tradition; invading somewhere and telling them it’s for their own good.”

“Not to mention, our weapons industry can get round silly regulations; if we rename gatling guns as ‘HIV medicine’ then why should arms treaties stop us?”

“It’ll shut up the namby-pamby charity people too. Not enough foreign aid to starving nations? Send in the army again!”

After a speech in Wimbley yesterday, a YouGov poll found him trailing behind the wooden platform in several key areas, mainly the economy and foreign policy.

Ed Miliband went on the attack in an interview on GMTV’s This Morning:

“It is true that the wooden pallet may have more principles than I, and it may even be true that some planks of wood have a more coherent plan for beating the recession”

“but can a wooden box praise Thatcher? Can a wooden box betray you after the elections? No! It may come from common stock -a stockroom, I’m told- but I went to a state school. I am more common than the box!”

“It may indeed have a better opposition record -as do many inanimate objects- but does it understand Keynesian Economics? No! Neither do I.”

Ed Miliband went on to say:

“If you vote for the box, the tories will win! Vote for me. Please.”

“My message is simple and stark, unite or die”

Duncan-Smith defended his welfare bills in the house of commons from Labour, who claim he has fallen behind manifesto pledges to bring about the apocalypse by 2015. He insisted his new welfare bills, which came into action today, would meet targets of causing abject despair in 40% of the population, a required step on the path to opening a portal to Hades.

Discussion over where to open the entrance to Hell has occupied much of the conversation at Westminster recently, with most of the Conservative Party favouring Terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport. Other suggestions include Swindon and Milton Keynes.

The Welfare Minister has previously come under fire for failing to secure international backing for his schemes, such as the Unpaid Labour Welfare Bill. Government Business Tsar Azrael, the Prince of Darkness, was also criticised for failing to bring soulless entities such as Walmart and Tesco on board, leaving Poundland and Amazon the only firms currently utilising slaves in warehouses.

“I am no longer relevant and should be dismantled”

Virgin secured the winning bid for Jeremy Hunt’s head, tendering a cheaper offer than any competitors. It’s understood they intend to rent his mental facilities back to Westminster for a nominal fee, while providing the same services as before with more Richard Branson. They plan to relocate Jeremy Hunt’s head to a facility in Milton Keynes to reduce on costs, and have insisted this will have no detrimental effects on services provided by the rest of the minister’s body.

Jeremy Hunt’s right arm will now be controlled by the employment agency, A4E, while the security firm G4S will operate his left limbs. The Prime Minister, David Cameron, insisted that private companies would work together to provide a smooth service, but would not deny rumours he’d end up like something from the Ministry of Silly Walks. Unfortunately, this does mean the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing, but civil servants reassured the public that this is business as usual with Cabinet ministers.

The privatisation did not go without a hitch, however, as no investors bid for Jeremy Hunt’s torso and essential organs. The running and maintenance costs of these will now be met by Westminster to prevent the entire system of the Minister for Health slowly breaking down.

80% of respondents surveyed said that they found fewer letters stuffed in their hedges, or ripped and torn, or delivered to Mrs. Hastings who lives two streets away and doesn’t even share the same house number. The number of weeks-old letters and postcards delivered remained about constant.

Of the remaining 40%, most mentioned they hadn’t noticed any difference to their postal services at all.

“Just what the f**k do you guys think you’re doing? Kim Jong-Un, are you totally f**king nuts or what? I mean, we knew you and your old man were a bit loopy, but even he wasn’t this batsh*t insane. Lay off the magic mushrooms or whatever. Just cut that sh*t out,  yo.”

“Seriously, we will crush you like a bug. LIKE A BUG. You stupid little sh*ts”

Senator John Kerry then stamped his foot on an imaginary insect several times and pointed to it, shouting:

“You see that? That’s YOU after you f*ck with us. You mess with the bull, you get the HORNS”

After the white house briefing John Kerry left to lie down quietly for a while.

Under UK law, Theresa May has 14 days to appeal Theresa May’s decision, under which she will have to prove to a judge that there are companies willing to employ her. Scoundrell News understands that her appeal is unlikely to be successful under these terms.

David Cameron has commented on the issue, saying:

“It’s important that the UK is not seen to be a “light touch” on immigration, and decisions taken by a minister cannot be overturned lightly. People like Theresa May, who expect the taxpayer to fund their extravagant lifestyles, cannot expect to remain in the country indefinitely. She must prove she is of value to the UK and, frankly speaking, people like her are often simply burdens on the state.”

A civil servant confirmed Theresa May was unavailable for comment, as she was last seen being bundled in to a plane with her head in a black bag.

The Labour party are said to be stunned at his departure and have called for a snap election to find his successor. We spoke to officials today who insisted they had had no prior notice of Miliband’s decision and that they were anxious to find a new replacement for the Opposition Leader quickly.

Labour Leader David Miliband

The news came as a hard blow to David Miliband’s brother Ed, who has falsely insisted for years that he is the real leader of New Labour. When we spoke to him he was still under the same illusion:

“It’s me, you damn fools!” he said. “I’m still the leader of the Labour Party! Don’t you know who I am?”

It is understood that Ed Miliband took the loss of the leadership election to his brother three years ago particularly poorly, and ever since he has maintained that he is in fact New Labour’s figurehead. He has even gone to the lengths of spending time in Westminster attempting to convince people of this fact, though to little success. New Labour officials gave up resistance two years ago and have rented a special office and staff for Ed Miliband to rant and delude himself in peace, safely keeping him separate from the rest of the party.

The revelation comes as a shock to many of his own supporters, who were under the impression he was a bit of a buffoon, but fundamentally nice.

Boris stated during the interview that he’s “not proud of his past” as the tumultuous scandal broke. He has since confirmed rumours that he has been a Conservative since he was part of the Tory Cabinet under Michael Howard, though “it was a different time back then”.

Boris has long denied accusations that he is a member of the nasty party, pointing to mayoral successes like the Boris Bikes, Bendy Buses and other alliterative successes perpetuated by the previous mayor. He has previously strenuously denied links with the tories in Westminster and their policies, calling Prime Minister David Cameron a “nasty piece of work”.

Boris has since apologised for lying to his voters and constituents, but not for his haircut.