The Department for Work and Pensions came under fire today after it was discovered thousands of fake personality tests had been performed by the “nudge unit”, an orwellian Westminster think-tank collaborating with Scientology. The personality tests, called “My Strength” reportedly are a sham and give the same personality type regardless of the answers filled in; hundreds of... 

Westminster announced efficiency savings today of £650 million with a plan to replace international development with a euphemism for the military. “A new era of charity work” “It’s brilliant” William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, told Parliament today. “We can slash the charity budget and funnel everything into weapons systems in one. We’ll just re-name everything;... 

The Labour Leader, Ed Miliband, has denied reports that a wooden pallet he stood on has a better chance of becoming Prime Minister than he does. After a speech in Wimbley yesterday, a YouGov poll found him trailing behind the wooden platform in several key areas, mainly the economy and foreign policy. Ed Miliband went on the attack in an interview on GMTV’s This Morning: “It is true that... 

The Minister for Welfare and fifth horseman of the apocalypse, Iain Duncan-Smith, assured a worried nation that Conservative plans to plunge the United Kingdom into a nightmarish dimension were still on schedule. “My message is simple and stark, unite or die” Duncan-Smith defended his welfare bills in the house of commons from Labour, who claim he has fallen behind manifesto pledges to... 

The Minister for Health is the first to go in a planned sell-off of the Cabinet, and will now be operated by a variety of private companies. “I am no longer relevant and should be dismantled” Virgin secured the winning bid for Jeremy Hunt’s head, tendering a cheaper offer than any competitors. It’s understood they intend to rent his mental facilities back to Westminster for... 

The US Secretary for State, John Kerry, has released a strongly worded statement to the rogue state of North Korea. It comes at a time of high military tension, with North Korea pursuing military movements along their borders. John Kerry said at a press conference: “Just what the f**k do you guys think you’re doing? Kim Jong-Un, are you totally f**king nuts or what? I mean, we knew you... 

Home Secretary Theresa May has ordered herself to be removed from the country after filling in an immigration form incorrectly. It is understood that she misunderstood the “name” section and instead of the deportee’s, wrote her own name in, beginning an irreversible extradition process. Under UK law, Theresa May has 14 days to appeal Theresa May’s decision, under which she will... 

The Labour leader, David Miliband, has resigned from politics today in a shock announcement that has left his party in disarray. He announced he will be leaving Westminster for a post in New York focusing on international development. The Labour party are said to be stunned at his departure and have called for a snap election to find his successor. We spoke to officials today who insisted they had... 

In a car-crash interview live on the BBC, London Mayor Boris Johnson has admitted under pressure to being a member of the Conservative Party. The revelation comes as a shock to many of his own supporters, who were under the impression he was a bit of a buffoon, but fundamentally nice. Boris stated during the interview that he’s “not proud of his past” as the tumultuous scandal broke.... 

In a speech today, David Cameron is to announce a new series of punitive measures on people who had nothing to do with the financial collapse of 2008: “The deputy Prime Minister and I span the big wheel of blame that we’ve got in the Cabinet Office and it landed on immigrants.” “I stand by my father, and his father before him” “As you all know, there are two types...