HAWAII – A statement from the International Cartographer’s Society, released today in Honolulu, suggests that on top of Global Climate Change, upcoming elections, deadly pandemics, and foreigners engaging in civil wars, future generations will have to deal with another problem caused by their forefathers.

They’re calling it ‘Global Stretching’: The slow, but significant geological process which is turning our spherical Earth into “more of an oblong shape. Kind of like a teardrop or Sir Patrick Stewart’s head” said Rodney Holland, a geological cartographer from the United States Geological Survey. He and his colleagues blame the rampant obesity in the western hemisphere for the “awful stress being placed on Earth’s crust.”

“If we, as a species, do not move quickly to stop this dangerous new planetary trend, we are going to be the most ridiculous looking planet in the solar system,” he said.

The Stig’s identity was revealed today to be the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The identity of the BBC Top Gear racing driver has been subject to intense speculation for several months. It was finally given away when Iran opened their new nuclear silo and Ahmadinejad failed to show, as he was showing Tom Cruise how to get the best performance from Top Gear’s reasonably priced car.

“Every person old enough to hold a crayon is to be offered a job working for the National Institute for health and Clinical Excellence (NICE)” it was announced today in a stunning move destined to simultaneously slash unemployment while stopping campaigners from bitching endlessly about the decisions of people with far more knowledge than them.

Initial reactions to the announcement have largely been positive.

Work has started to ensure that Concorde is ready in time for the opening ceremony of the train-wreck that will be the 2012 London Olympics, government officials revealed today.

After reports that crime fell by nearly 4% this quarter, Labour have proposed plans to nationalise the industry and prevent collapse.

The recession hit hard-working criminals in Britain particularly hard, with many criminals losing out to cheaper outsourcing options. New Labour warned that up to 40% of current British crime is actually perpetuated by Indian call centres, whilst an influx of more efficient criminal immigrants have swept the rug under complacent British criminals.

“It’s just not the same, guvnah”, said one criminal we spoke to. “It’s all fancy electronics and doo-dads and stealing identities like, hows a hard-working criminal ‘sposed to keep up? ‘snot like I can take night classes, that’s me workin’ hours!”. A labour spokesman said they were aware of the problems facing current criminals, and that tax breaks would be implemented for modern thieving college courses.

Amongst Labour’s proposals are an advertising campaign to encourage householder’s to leave their windows open, put keys under potted plants and just store their valuables on the street.

Sony has admitted to quietly putting down the chart-topping duo “Jedward” at a vet’s practice this morning.

The recording giant defended its actions in a public statement, declaring that whilst the Pop Idol runners-up had produced a number 2 single, the forecast for a full album simply wasn’t profitable enough.

Opposition leaders have

A family of five in Wales today expressed their “amazement” when they opened their jar of Marmite to discover the face of Jesus: cunningly disguised as a long-haired, bearded,